A Funeral Botch Job

By: Josh Embry

Maureen Witherspoon, 85

Ms. Witherspoon passed away on Tuesday with her spoon in hand, after choking on a rotten batch of lobster bisque. That’s not the sole reason I am writing this little blurb though. No, Ms. Witherspoon was just an old kook who was infatuated with some spoon.

Ms. Witherspoon claimed said spoon was used at a Toledo-based honky-tonk by vocalist Evvy Pedder, the lead singer of the notorious Toledo nu-metal band, Lollipop Lust Kill, back in 2004. In actuality, I wanted to write this to talk about the botch-job the Dermitt & Chester Funeral Home did on Ms. Witherspoon’s body.

A blind local artist’s rendition of Evvy Pedders. Note: this is a depiction of the late country music singer Joe Diffie, not Evvy Pedders.

This is nothing new for many Toledoans; Dermitt & Chester has been mangling corpses for years. Just ask Dan Plankers. When they opened his father’s casket prior to the funeral, they found that Old Man Plankers’ head was replaced with that of a rabbit’s head. The funeral home had not received much business over the years, but Ms. Witherspoon insisted in her will that this was the place she wanted to be at once she kicked it.

A blind local artist’s rendition of Old Man Plankers after his head was replaced with a rabbit’s head. Note: Old Man Plankers was not a gun owner.

Ms. Witherspoon said Evvy Pedder’s comatose friend who once pulled out Katie Holmes’ canines had her service here…